


Alive with the glory of love

by Sacredillusionist



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Historical RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Depression, Fluff, Guilt, I ship Laurens with mental stability, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, No one Acts that reckless during a war and isn’t suffering from depression, Slow Burn, Their modern appearances are from the play, This is a direct result to reading too much fan fiction, and alexanders guilt about laurens, and knowing they never end up happy together, and professional help, but their past appearances are historically accurste, cuddles and kisses, historically, i dunno, im angry af, its v political tbh, john deserved better, laurens is the only one who remembers, maybe the others will pop up, my poor depressed queer boy, not immediately tho, so Laurens guilt for failing everything, some smut, suicidal ideations, the idea is that their guilt pushed them into rebirh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-09 20:16:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sacredillusionist/pseuds/Sacredillusionist
Summary: Even when death came for him- he wasn’t prepared. Laurens made no deal with the horseman, but he was sure death knew it too; because as those skeletal hands brushed against his, he found himself thinking of everything Laurens had done wrong in this short lifetime.His father. His brother. His wife and child. His regimen-his legacy. Hamilton.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I’m garbage and please enjoy my retaliation to so much historically accurate fan fiction. It hurt my feelings knowing I had to read how much John and Alexander loved each other and basically became star crossed lovers before fucking dying.  
> Yet I cannot write that much flowery prose for the life of me so I will raise you plenty of top knotch millennial humor since it’s very clear Laurens likely had some level of depression.

Laurens is an old soul and he knows that much.

 

There is so much he knows, and by affect there is so much he feels.

The biggest feeling is regret. Sorrow, guilt, depression, and occasionally in the dreams that haunt him from the past, he knows that there was always small amounts of happiness- yet each day waking up with the overwhelming urgency to die created such brash and reckless actions. Yet judging by his state, it seemed he wasn’t done. Even when death came for him- he wasn’t prepared. Laurens made no deal with the horseman, but in the end he was sure death knew it too; because as those skeletal hands brushed against his, he found himself thinking of everything Laurens had done wrong in this short lifetime.

His father. His brother. His wife and child. His regimen-his legacy. Hamilton.

The thought of him makes Laurens hesitate. How blasphemous it had to be. To want him more than anything. He wanted him more than air or water. Somehow he wanted him more than he truly wanted to die. A large juxtaposition-He knows; because he wanted to die. Sure he can’t remember dying, his memory has quite a few holes in it after all. Luckily enough this century’s history books tells him some information. While Laurens may not remember dying, his last thoughts always circle in his mind.

Would Alexander even miss him? How would he cry? Would Elizabeth comfort him? Would be truly care or would he simply relish the fact that one obligation no longer existed. He wouldn’t visit Laurens bedside- there wasn’t enough time.

Time.

Such a fickle and cruel mistress. His guilt made him hesitate. He needed more time. If he just had more time.

Maybe that’s why he was here. In this world there were so many injustices and corruption. It’s crushing to learn of what has become in the centuries that have passed. To fight, to die for a country that still held so much inequality. Perhaps that was why he was here- he wanted to use this second chance to get things right. Freedom had been won but we truly were not free. Things seemed to be better at face value, and perhaps Laurens job wasn’t done- perhaps it never would be.

Then it was his job to fight it. With each riot, each protest, each fight. Laurens planned to be at the head of it this time. He wanted to make Hamilton proud.

 

His hands are a mess with lead from sketching for hours. Knees drawn up to his chest, balancing the paper on his legs. He came out to Central Park to work on imitating nature’s natural beauty. And it started with a sketch of the cherry blossoms, but soon it seemed the shape of the petal turned into an eye. That eye connected to a narrow nose- connected to a softened set of thin lips and strong jaw. All framed by knowing firey curls.

Alexander. His Alexander.

The thought that always bothered him, seemed to reappear. Why hadn’t he seen any familiar faces? Was Laurens truly alone in his rebirth? He assumed it was his guilt and lack of action that caused him to return a near 250 years later. His second chance to make a difference in the world- and without a doubt things are different. It’s puzzling to dream of distant memories while growing up in a contradictory time period. Now, despite his nature, he could hold the hand of a loved one in public without the fear of being scandalized or jailed. So perhaps he could be different too? To fight for freedom but to be his true self- to follow the path he could have gone if his father hasn’t been such a massive prick.

_Perhaps he could be more than some second rate, forgotten historical figure._

 

“You’re so wound up in your sketch pad. It’s quite fascinating to watch.” Laurens feels his attention snap into reality as he looks up. The person before him has soft dark brown hair, pulled into a loose bun, stay hairs flying free haphazardly. Bundled in a long blue wool sweater and jeans, he admires the tanned skin and some stubble, he doesn’t recognize him until he sees those eyes. It’s not the color, or the shape- it’s the look in them. Deep and endless, full of passion and determination. He feels his heart beat slam in his chest. And for a second he can’t say anything at all.

Sure, there is no wild mane of red curls- even more so, now he’s slight and tall. Yet those eyes. He would know him him anywhere.

 

“ _Alexander_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s about to get real gay and I’m not sorry.

“Have we met?” He pauses for a second as Laurens tries to remember to breathe. Alexander Hamilton is staring directly at him and this time he’s so different. His hands freeze up as his pencil slips from his hand clattering to the ground just beneath him. His feet slip from the bench as he tries to straighten up instead of shrinking away.

“Yes or I mean no.” He fumbles- Was Hamilton like him? Did he remember too? Either way Laurens needed to get it together- he can’t help it though. This day, Laurens has been fearing this day since before he even knew who he was. Afraid of the day he would see his lost love. How was he supposed to react?

“You do look familiar, but I’m afraid that answer clears next to nothing up.” He looks puzzled as he leans down to pick up Laurens lost pencil- returning it to his hand. His head swarmed with the same question. Probing at his mind. Would Alexander know him? Is Laurens the only one that dreams of the past? Of stolen kisses at Valley Forge. Warm bodies pressed against each other- skin to skin. Waking up in bed each morning together. Laurens could recall every detail of Hamilton and how he looked in his arms, the sun lighting up his red hair in the first morning rays. 

“Familiar?” He finally manages to find his words again, trying to balance the book on his knees as he takes his pencil. 

“I would say familiar- Like in a dream.” He quips making Laurens breath shake. Dreams? Like his own? “Too cheesy?” He asks making Laurens give him an uneasy chuckle.

“Does that line work on every girl you approach?” He asks now, some of his nerve returning. No matter what he could feel or remember, simply starting a conversation off with ‘ _do you remember being in love with me in the 18th century- more importantly do you remember leaving me for a woman. Did you even care when I was killed?’_ No, all of that would terrify him. 

“Only the ones I find cute.” He adds scoffing. Laurens blushes. He’s so much like his Alexander. So flirtatious. He was charming, it was how he drew people in. “So you’re an artist? Is that your boyfriend?” He prompts him. Staring down at the picture. He’d been trying to draw Hamilton from memory. The way he remembered him lying between covers. 

His voice catches a little, how can he explain? “Someone who was once very dear to me.” He starts. “He got married and moved on though.” So why couldn’t he? Why could Hamilton move on so easily and Laurens was left wanting? It was obvious- Because his entire heart and being belonged to only Alexander. Even in another life. 

“Sounds like it is his loss.” He chuckles, moving to sit on the other side of the bench, leaning to the side and stretches his arm out across the back so he can turn and look at him comfortably. 

“His? Or yours?” He adds cleverly. He needs to be careful, being outright wouldn’t get him anywhere. 

“I think this is my gain, honestly.” He responds, equally cleverly.

“Oh?” Laurens can’t find the words to speak again. Instead he goes back to drawing. Trying to keep himself moving. He doesn’t want it to be obvious his hand is shaking. After a moment or two of tense silence Hamilton speaks again.

“I’m just implying that I’d like to know more about this artist sitting in the park, drawing with such intensity.” He adds touching a stay curl against his cheek. 

It’s so natural and so soft that Laurens doesn’t even think to bat his hand away. Even if he knows there is no need to hide, the fear still dwells within him. Back then sodomy was illegal- now it wasn’t sodomy. Now it was simply love. Laurens often has to forcibly remind himself of that. No amount of exposure could court martial them this time. 

“Do you come to Central Park and stare at people then?” He asks him, a grin forming. Alexander looks lost for a split second before his expression brightens up considerably. 

“Only the ones I’d like to ask out for coffee.”

Embarrassed Laurens goes back to trying to sketch again. “Are you sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind?” His snap is a little cruel, but Elizabeth seems to pop in his head. What if she’s been reborn like the two of them?

“Well she would have serious competition, you know... if she existed.” He starts explaining, Laurens can tell he’s fumbling. “So please, get coffee with me?” He adds finally, taking the pencil from his hands to steal his attention.

In the past Laurens had chosen the war over Hamilton. Perhaps if he stayed as an aides-de-camp. Stayed next to Hamilton every day, the  perhaps he wouldn’t have strayed. Guilt overwhelms him for a split second making it hard to respond. Yet looking over at Hamilton’s puppy-like face makes it hard to tell him no... part of him is sure he does not want to say no. 

“Alright.” Laurens finally concedes. His expression brightens up adorably. 

“Laurens. John Laurens.” He said the words like a test, trying to gauge his expression. Would he recognize his name. 

“Well Laurens, I’m Alexander Hamilton.” He doesn’t seem to react to his name making Laurens pause. 

For a second, Laurens can’t help but wonder if his rebirth isn’t just about his failure to bring freedom to the people of America, but instead about his regrets with Hamilton.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurens and Alexander have a coffee date. Laurens realizes Alexander has no idea who they are.

Alexander is very talkative. Even after over two centuries apart that much hasn’t changed at all. It feels nostalgic in its own way as they sit in the middle of a Starbucks, Laurens drums his pencil against the pad of paper, his chin resting in his hand- elbow propped on the table watching him. How many mornings did they spend like this? Downing a cup of coffee before starting in on their work as aides-de-camp. However instead of the looming pressure of war suffocating them, things in this life were calmer. That and the coffee is better. 

Laurens is pleased that both of them remain passionate about the same things. This country and its freedom against corruption and brutality. Like before , Laurens could listen to him talk for hours on end. Hamilton had a way with words that could draw you in, the passion he spoke with could overwhelm even his adversaries. It was part of his charm. The world revolving around them may have changed but their souls didn’t. 

“Laurens am I boring you?” He asks as he finds himself daydreaming about his past.

“What? No.” He shakes his head in protest, sitting up straight as if that would prove a point. “I do agree with most of your stances.” He assures him. How could he phrase this when it wasn’t clear yet if Alexander remembered him? “I was just thinking back on how different the world was compared to something like the 18th century.” He tries to add. Alexander looks amused for a second. “And how similar they still are.” If only he hadn’t failed. If he could have freed those men- maybe things could have been different. 

“In the end, our founding fathers were nothing but white men with a handful of okay ideas. It has always been the people who fought. Women’s suffrage, black rights, LGBT rights. It has never been the political power fighting for equality. It’s always been the people.” He adds offhandedly. Laurens feels miffed, perhaps it’s simply his personal connection to Washington himself, but he still can’t find the words to disagree. He knows he shouldn’t compare the struggle now to the past. All it does is dredge up the negativity in him surrounding his failures. How he fought tooth and nail for the abolition of slavery and how it was for naught. 

“It was a different time, But the affects are long lasting. I’ve always believed that man sunk below the line of humanity by enslaving people based of skin tone. Now those men and women are forced to contuine to fight simply to feel human.” Laurens can feel his passion rising again. “We are lucky to be light skinned and Hispanic. Our friends who fight are not always so lucky.” He reminds him. “It’s even harder if you’re a person of color and gay.” The floodgate has opened for Laurens, his ideals and passions practically falling out in intense word vomit. “Being gay was a capital crime. Men were exiled or jailed for their sexual preference. Half of your flirtatious lines would have gotten you arrested in 1779”

“Oddly specific time placement, but I think you’re missing one important thing.” He notes. Laurens blanches But does not interrupt him. “I didn’t.” 

“Fair enough.” Laurens relents. But they’re both talking with a fire lit up from underneath them now. It makes Laurens heart beat hard in his chest. It makes him want to fight.

“Even though we’ve made progress there is still so much wrong in this world. Yes, slavery was abolished but to this day innocent black men and women are killed at the hands of police brutality. My people in Puerto Rico are still without power and live in squalor from a hurricane that happened nearly 8 months ago. All the while politicians line their pockets- profiting off their misfortune. Men can sexually assault women with little to no repercussions simply because they’re a lighter shade of melatonin. Politicians accept bribes from an association that fear mongers the mass populous and breeds the killers that shoot children in school.” He notices the way Alexanders hands grip the cup, his impulse consumes him, his hand to moves before he can think better of it. Taking Alexanders hand in his own, their fingers brushing. 

“The orange, large headed baboon that leads the country and disgraces what a president should build.” Laurens adds dryly. Alexander nods at him. Watching their fingers with a bright expression.

“People are turned away or mocked simply for small actions like so-“ Laurens isn’t sure what he’s expecting when Alexander grips his hand and pulls him to lean across the table, standing up abruptly as his chair scrapes against the wood. Leaning over the small round table and touches Laurens chin with his free hand, tilting him into a soft sweet kiss.

Laurens feels a chill rush over his body. He’s quiet for a few seconds his face red as Alexander returns to his seat. Looking around he can’t shake the feeling of paranoia. Someone could report them- no.

No. No. No. it’s fine. He reminds himself. 

“There is so much injustice in the world. I want to fix it. I was meant to.” He finishes. Laurens grips his pencil. “Things have changed but they are not better yet.”

“So bold.” He finally manages, he looks pleased with himself as he takes a sip from his coffee. “ Likewise.” He finally adds. Why else were both Hamilton and he reborn, if not to fight against tyranny as they did once before?

“Perhaps I get too emotional when I speak. It’s one of my many faults.” He adds, Laurens looks taken back, it would be crass to say Alexander didn’t have any faults, but this wasn’t one of them.

“Never relinquish any of that passion. Never yield it to anyone.”

“You talk so eloquently. I can tell you’re an artist.” Alexander adds, clearly trying to change the subject. 

“Only slightly. I’m studying veterinary.” He adds. Thanks to his father, Science and animals had always been a passion but never a career. Until now. “You have your own way with words.”

“I have to if I want to be a lawyer.” He adds dryly. Laurens can’t stop the smile from forming as he hides it with his cup. 

“I can see it.” 

“Likewise.” Alexander retorts, phrasing his words against him. “More importantly. What do I have to do to get you to draw me.” He taps the sketch pad. Just like that their discussion is tabled for more flirting. Laurens can’t say he hates the change of conversation.

“Break my heart.” It’s a cruel barb, one that falls on deaf ears since Alexander cannot begin to understand that Laurens has already drawn him so many times. 

“And if I don’t want to?” Laurens feels his own heart stop for the hundredth time since they sat down. 

“Then you’ll probably get something more.” He finally quips back making Alexander’s smile broaden into a full out grin. 

“I think I’ll hold you to that, Laurens.” He’s so charming, it’s absolutely blinding. 


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m just saying-“ Alexander starts, Laurens has learned by now, this is how Alexander always begins his rants. “We’re in a uniquely dangerous situation. Historically a corrupt power hungry leader would never surround themselves with other corrupted power hungry people because it would be a battle royale.” He’s pacing. Laurens wants to stop him, but he knows to let Alexander work through it. Even if it’s clear Alexander has no recollection of his past, it’s still there within him. Littered about in the way he says things. “We don’t have one enemy anymore- we have an entire party of enemies.”

”A party of enemies who rile up the ignorant and simple-minded, and then use them as a shield to keep the people opposing them at bay.” Laurens agrees, he doesn’t look up from his text book, but he can feel Alexander at his desk, leaning over it.

“How does someone even begin to combat that?” He prompts Laurens, looking up Laurens just eyes his computer.

“Not like this. You’re stressing yourself out worse than you need too.” Alexander huffs in annoyance, his passion is difficult to reign in, but that doesn’t stop Laurens from enjoying their time together. Their dates have been simple thus far, even if their conversations were not so. 

“Why do you prefer Laurens?” He asks as Laurens pauses for a moment, surprised at the topic change. They sat together in Alexanders studio flat. Alexander at his desk, books spread out everywhere. Part of him wanted to find another chair and sit next to him like they once did as Aides.

“Hmm?” Laurens brings his knees up, the book in his lap shuffling as he tries to focus on his own studies in front of him. Even if he doesn’t quite understand the question, he still answers. “It’s just how I was raised. John is a rather common name.” He reminds him.

“So is Alex.”

“You make a compelling argument.” It’s obvious now that Alexander cannot focus on his schoolwork, the rant worked him up too much. “What should we do about it then? Should I call you Hamilton?” He grins at him as Alexander rolls his eyes.

“That makes me sound like an old man.” He frowns. Laurens feels himself bristle, Alexander notices it almost immediately. “What is that look for?”

“I didn’t realize I was giving you a look.” Alexander turns around in the chair to look at him, before standing up again. The urge to run his fingers through his hair and calm down the messy style overwhelms him. Despite Alexander’s intoxicating presence, Laurens reminds himself to take it slow. He doesn’t want to scare him off.

“You always look upset and perpetually far away.” He moves from his desk and leans over the futon, his elbows pressed against of the couch/bed peering at Laurens. Setting the book down, he turns to look at him, placing his hands on his knees. 

“Wistful artist, I suppose.” He adds humorly. 

“More like desolate.”

“Does that make you an insufferable lawyer?” Laurens snaps back with no malice. Alexander is so close. He wants to kiss him, hell he wants to do more than that. Only aside from their first coffee shop date they’ve done nothing but quick kisses and affectionate hugs.

Alexander, bless him, has been patient. A trait that Hamilton did not have previously.

“What’s on your mind?” Laurens can’t help but ask as Alexander leans over on the edge of the futon, staring intently at him.

“Trying to keep my composure.” He adds vaguely. Laurens feels his brows knit together in confusion.

”Over the Republican Party rant?” Alexander scoffs as he moves away from the edge of the futon. Pacing again.

“No, Figuring out how I am supposed to replace the position currently filled in your heart.” He admits, Laurens can’t mask any surprise now, it’s quite a topic change.

“Come again?”

“I don’t like seeing you space out, thinking about your ex. I want you to only think about me.” He tries again. Laurens opens his mouth to tell him that they are one in the same but thinks better of it. 

“You have no competition since he’s not necessarily alive.” He chooses his words carefully.

“Necessarily? Laurens that’s really vague.” He looks miffed for a second. “You’re either dead or alive. It’s a finite topic.” He reminds him. Laurens feels his patience drop just a little.

“No reincarnation for you then?” Oh, irony.

“An artists fantasy.” Alexander stops pacing to look at him before climbing over the armrest and sitting across from him.

“Is that a jab at me?” He asks as he pushes his foot out to kick Alexander teasingly. He’s not being rough, allowing him to catch his ankle and pull Laurens towards him. Letting out a small ‘oof’ of surprise as he’s pulled forward, he tries to keep his papers from falling to the ground.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Alexander asks, Laurens stretches out his legs, sprawling onto Alexander.

“I believe in it.” He says the words gruffly as Alexander pushes a foot off and scoots forward so he is sitting between his knees. It’s a risky position. Not only talking about reincarnation- but also to let Alexander sit between his legs.

“Oh?” He sounds more amused than anything. “Do tell.” His hand touches his knee, it’s a soft gentle touch, one that makes Laurens blood boil.

“You’ll laugh at me.” Laurens protests, pouting slightly. Unable to stop from playing along as Alexander let’s out a chuckle. It makes his heart stop.

“Only if it’s ridiculous.” He counters. Lauren sits up so he’s closer to Alexander. Could he do it? Simply tell him that he remembers holding Hamilton. Wrapped in each other’s arms as snow blew into their tent- hoping they could make it through winter during the war. Praying no one would walk in and see them together. He wanted to tell him about their brief time together, more than anything. Yet he also wants to tell him more. To tell him about how he remembers fighting in each battle recklessly- willing to die for glory. Or what about is brother and his mother. All of it. At least all that he remembers.

 

No.

 

But something- he can say something. “In the past- I hated myself. I was raised with a very specific mindset. It was very easy to hate myself for being gay growing up. Everything before was endless misery. The idea of suicide never crossed my mind but I behaved so badly. I went into everything headfirst. Jumped in front of every shot- Figuratively.” He pauses, adding the extra word for good measure. “I couldn’t burn in Hell if my death was an accident.” He sees Alexander's expression stiffen and suddenly Laurens doesn’t want to finish his story. “But somehow I’m here. I didn’t plan to be- but I am. That means there has to be something more… right?” He finishes. It’s vague sure, but Alexander’s eyebrows knit together. It’s so similar to how he used to look before when he was thinking hard.

“I don’t think your strength should be chalked up to destiny or fate.” Alexander starts, leaning closer he reaches out for Laurens hands. They’re both sitting so close now, Alexander still between Laurens knees. “I have always believed that we make our own fate. We are in charge of what we make of our lives. Our work and effort reflects that. And you sitting here after so much struggle is a reflection of your strength.” Lauren can feel tears blinding him. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Alexander. Even if Alexander does not remember his struggle as an immigrant, it’s embedded into his soul. Impulse overwhelms Laurens as he leans forward, reaching out to grab Alexander by the neck, his fingers threading into the hair at the nape of his neck, gently pulling him towards him so Laurens can kiss him.

Alexander responds with more passion than he expects- that’s Laurens fault, really. As he places both hands on his shoulders pushing him backwards into the futon. They’re both fervent in their kisses, Laurens holds him tightly against his chest while Alexander’s hands seem to touch everywhere- his shoulders, his chest, his waist. Every touch and kiss feels like it’s on fire.

“Alexander-“ his breath cuts off as Alexander kisses his jawline, his neck. “You want to know..?” He asks him, Alexander pauses before kissing his cheek, his stare was innocent.

“Know what?”

How could he say that he already owned his heart completely already. “To win my heart.” He adds. They both stare at each other, expectancy in his brown eyes. He can say it- he can tell him. He can tell him he loves him.

”You’re well on your way.” He promises lamely,  he can’t do it, he can’t risk being rejected by Alexander. Pushing the thought away he watches his face light up adorably, leaning down to kiss him once more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My poor boy Tench Tilghman. Sorry your death is a plot device.  
> Also it’s the smut I’ve promised.  
> This entire fic is already finished I’m just kind of editing the chapters before I post them at this point.  
> Anyways, enjoy.

Alexander is a lot to handle. The mans emotional in both this life and the previous. “Alexander.” Laurens calls out his name banging on the door to his dorm. “Alexander Hamilton I know you’re in there.” He tries again. That and he also has severe tunnel vision. His memories didn’t do Laurens work justice. Especially when he only vaguely remembered just how frustrating it was to care about Hamilton. Finally, after enough text messages and banging on the door. He hears the chain lock slide off and the door click open, a tired Alexander greets him. Dark circles under his eyes, his long hair is a mess, matted in different areas, he’s in the same gray Columbia sweater he wore last time Laurens saw him.

“Sorry Laurens.” He finally responds. “I’ve been up all night- writing a few papers.” He explains holding the door open to let him in.

“I figured as much- I brought you coffee and lunch. I know you haven’t eaten.” He sets the bag and cup on his desk. The desk lamp is on, but the room is completely dark. “Or probably showered.” He adds offhandedly, making Alexander snort.

“There is too much to do.” He simply reaponds, watching Laurens as he begins to pick up the mess. Laurens knows this about Alexander, once the work starts, it never ceases. Not until he’s satisfied, and they both know- Alexander is never satisfied. Watching him return to the computer on his desk, Laurens sighs loudly and steps behind him, shutting the laptop. 

“Eat something.” He reminds him, his tone firm. “Eat. Shower. Take a break. Tackle your project with renewed vigor.” He tries to compromise. Sure enough Alexander’s expression becomes thoughtful with a slow nod.

“That might help, these last few sentences felt rough, a break could help.” He relents, looking up at Laurens. “You spoil me.” He adds affectionately, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him on the lips. “How do you always know exactly what I need?” He asks as Laurens tries to get him to relinquishes his hold in favor for the bag of food. Not because Laurens can’t tell him it’s because he’s done it before, but because he smells.

So instead he just leans forward and plants a small kiss on the top of his head and whispers to him. “Take a shower.”

Alexander huffs, scarfing the rest of the food down. Looking between Laurens and his bathroom before disappearing into the small room.

“What have you been working on?” Laurens can’t help but ask as he picks up some of the lose papers scattered across the room.

“Anonymous essay about the police brutality against people of color. I’ve sent it to multiple magazines and papers.” He explains, yelling through the door as Laurens turns to look at his computer. Opening the computer to examine the word document. “I’ve also decided to reach out to the Tilghman family. After the death of their son, I’ve offered legal aid to help them form a case against the college for negligence.” Of course Alexander has already jumped on a new case.

Laurens tries to read through the gist of the papers, Tench Tilghman, a college student at the University of Philadelphia. Beaten and arrested for trespassing on school grounds, despite actually attending the school. Died in holding when no one saw to him medically. Laurens can feel the disgust rising up. How could the world still be so cruel against those with darken skin pigment? Yet the more he read on, he could see how thoughtful and available Hamilton made himself, building a case for them. One day Alexander would be a lawyer, and their oppressors should be terrified of that fact. 

“You’ve always has such a way with words.” He tells him, as Alexander finally emerges from the bathroom, freshly cleaned, watching him read. “It’s a natural calling.” He adds standing back up, trying not to watch Alexander as he changed into new clothes. He can feel his heart slamming against his chest. God, why was Alexander always so attractive?

“Do you think at least one of them will publish it?” He gives him a hopeful look. “More importantly do you think the Tilghmans will want to fight?” He adds, Laurens can’t help but smile, his face still bright red, trying to distract himself,

“They’d be stupid not too.” He responds easily. “For now, leave it alone. I can tell you also haven’t been sleeping.” He adds as Alexander only nods once, looking at his computer wistfully.

“I’m almost done. Another revision before I send it out.” He mentions it offhandedly. As if that would make Laurens relent. 

“I’ve been around enough to see how terrible this can go unchecked. Last time I came over because we hadn’t spoken for two weeks and I found you passed out working on one of your essays for class.” Laurens reminds him.

“I would rather you didn’t baby me.” Alexander says crossing his arms over his chest, stepping into his small kitchen to dig for more food.

“You were just swooning because I was spoiling you.” He comments dryly. Closing the laptop once more before he can hear anymore protests.

“If I cooperate will you spoil me more?” He asks, Laurens lips quirk restraining a smile.

Suddenly Hamilton isn’t looking for food anymore, he’s leaning on the counter watching him with a separate type of hunger. “What did you have in mind?” He asks as both of them stare at each other. Stupid, open-ended question. What was he thinking? Laurens barely notices Alexander coming closer, too busy berating himself mentally.  At least under his hands slide onto each his waist. Looking at him he kisses the top of Laurens nose, walking them both backwards until Laurens feels his knees hit the edge of the mattress toppling them over.

It’s easy for Laurens to lose all reason when Alexander kisses him. Especially in their position. “I hate being shorter than you.” He huffs between kisses, as Alexander climbs on top of him, both knees hugging his waist. Their movents becoming more reverent as their kisses deepen. Lips parting, Alexander bites his lower lip and Laurens let’s out a low groan in response. Alexander leans back in surprise at the sound, his expression growing more mischievous.

“Do That again.” He demands him, his face as bright red as Laurens.

“For once, could you stop talking.” Laurens adds embarrassingly, pulling Alexander by the collar of his shirt back down, his free hand tangling into Alexanders wet hair, trying to pull him closer.

Everything happens so quickly that Laurens head spins. Alexander is pushing his shirt up over his chest and off on to the ground. Laurens reaching for the bottom hem of his shirt to pull off his. Leaning back down to lay across Laurens, he can practically feel Alexanders heart in his chest, beating roughly with excitement. “John.” His name on Alexanders lips is so soft that it stops him. How long has it been since he’s felt this way? Alexander kisses his nose, his eyelids, every part of his face he can work gentle affection.

If they don’t calm down soon, Laurens knows there will be no going back.

Sitting up, Alexander trails his fingers down Laurens neck, to his shoulders and then biceps. He straddles his waist and looks down at him. His eyes were moving taking in the sight that Laurens must have been. Half naked, curly hair fanned out messily, freckles touching every part of his skin, and lust hazed filled expression on his face. 

“If I were the artist I would want to draw this.” He mentions making Laurens blush.

“Perhaps we should settle down then?” Laurens asks, yet neither of them move. Laurens genuinely doesn’t know if he could settle down. Not while Alexander straddles him, his black hair damp and curling up, not when he was wants to reach up and grip those perfectly tanned shoulders and pull him back down. 

“Do you want too?” There’s no calming down now, they both know this. 

“Not really.” He admits, his heart beating wildly, he can’t help but appreciate Alexander’s good naturedness. If he truly wanted to stop he knew Alexander would without any questions. Instead Laurens just holds his arms out, Alexander obliges happily. Leaning over into Laurens arms to plant another meaningful kiss, touching his forehead to how own, bumping them affectionally.

“What are you afraid of?” He asks, Laurens reaches up his arms resting casually over his shoulders.

“Falling too deeply for you.” He manages to get the words out, it was too hard to be fearful when so much lust was coursing through him. Alexander laughs. Not condescending, but as if he’s genuinely amused.

“Don’t you get it? I have been obsessed with you since the day I saw you drawing in the park.” He adds brushing his fingers through the tangled mess of curls. “I’ve wanted you to be mine since then.” He kisses him again, Laurens thinks for just an instance that he couldn’t be happier.

“You already have me.” Laurens can’t stop himself, the words just slip right out. “All of me.” It’s way more suggestive that Lauren realizes, but he doesn’t regret it.

“We can contuine then?” He asks, genuinely concerned. 

Laurens pulls him closer as his response, their kisses igniting once more as Alexander grinds his hips downward. All he can think is ‘ _mine, mine, mine’_ as Alexander pops the bottoms off Laurens jeans, pulling them off impatiently. Laurens can’t keep his hands from shaking as he helps free Alexander from his pants as well. 

Laurens can’t tell if he’s reliving another memory or feeling everything at once. Every touch brings back another intense moment. The way Alexander feels pressed to his chest. The way their limbs tangle together awkwardly, the grinding that makes his head spin. Everything feels familiar and right. With a surge of confidence his hands leaving Alexander’s waist as their erections rub together, Laurens taking both into his hands.

Alexander let’s out a soft groan again as he pulls back, leaning his forehead on to Laurens shoulder.  “John-“ he mutters the words, thrusting against his hands. “I want...” he tries again starting to sit up. “Can we?” Laurens knows exactly what he’s asking. Even if Alexander can’t spit the words out. 

Giving him a slow and deliberate nod, he can only seem to focus on th loss of heat that makes him whimper as Alexander leans forward to the stand next to the bed, shuffling through the drawers. Laurens knows what is coming next as he finds the bottle he was searching for.

Popping the cap open he takes the time to pour some of the lube into his hand and lean back over to Laurens who can’t help but stare eyes wide. Yet the way Alexander watches him, searching for an answer makes him harder. Giving him another nod, Alexander leans forward, kissing him once, then twice as he pushes his hand lower until he is just at his entrance, slowly pushing in a finger.

Laurens can’t help but gasp into Alexander’s mouth as he tries to distract him. Using his free hand to wrap his fingers into his hair, gentle massages at the nape of his neck as he words on relaxing him and helping him stretch in preparation. Laurens feels himself relax, both of his hands grasping on Alexander’s back as a second finger is pushed in. Nails digging in, his mind absolutely empty with pleasure. He’s okay, Laurens reminds himself. As he breathes in deeply, Alexander busy readying himself between kisses, pushing himself in slowly.

“Does it hurt?” He asks, pausing as Laurens frowns, it does, he cannot shake the foreign feeling or something inside of him but he can’t tell him to stop. Instead,he simply touches his cheek and kisses his nose. 

Taking that as an initiative to continue, Alexander pushes in all at once, and Lauren can’t help but hold on to Alexander tightly as he lets out a moan. Alexander pulling out only to push back in, rocking the bodies together to a rhythm, both of them unable to control their voices now as they pick up the pace. Laurens body feels like jelly as he wraps his legs around Alexanders waist, trying to push him deeper. His mind blank with pleasure, holding to him tightly. He wants to watch Alexander as they push against each other, half-lidded, green eyes staring up at him as Alexander moves to grasp one of his hands, their fingers threading together, pressed into bedsheets above Laurens head. 

Alexander continues to thrust deeply into Laurens, a slow building release forming quickly as their pace quickens. Laurens struggles to breath, unsure of just how much more pleasure he can handle. Gripping Alexander tightly he feels Alexander cum, his chest hurting as he reaches down and strokes Laurens until he cums quickly as well.

Breathing deeply Alexander pulls free of Laurens, both of them trying to breathe. Too stupid, and riding off such a pleasurable high to say anything. Instead, Laurens just rolls to his side, curling up on top of Alexander, his body aches pleasantly. Content from Alexander fiddling with his hair and  his breathing soft against the top of his head to even think about how messy he feels. 

“Did you mean it? That I have you?” Alexander asks as Laurens wraps his arms around him in response, cuddling with him against the uncomfortable futon.

“Naturally.” Laurens adds sleepily. Yet Alexander seems dissatisfied with his answer

“Then we’re officially dating then, right?” Alexander prompts him.

“Officially?” He looks up, and Lauren can see he needs to hear the words. “Yes Alexander, I want to be with you.” He promises, grinning like an idiot as he plants a kiss on his cheek. “Now pull the covers around us.” He groans as Alexander sits up and pulls the blanket from the opposite side of the bed and wraps them in it together.

“Me too. I want to be with you. Entirely.” laurens can’t say anything, instead he just snuggles closer into the crook of Alexander’s neck- his Alexander’s neck, listening to him chuckle. Soothed by the rise and fall of his chest.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m feeling spicy so I went ahead and finished editing up another chapter since we’re halfway in.

Laurens isn’t used to spending the Holidays with a boyfriend. In their last life their winters were spent trying to stay alive. Waiting outside patiently he uses the cups of hot coffee in his hands for warmth. Pushing the hair from his eyes he buried his face closely into his scarf, thankful for his heavy, wool, green pea coat. He watches as the doors open and Alexander hops down the steps of his apartments. His expression brightening up as he stepped towards him quickly, taking the second coffee from his hands and kissing Laurens quickly on the lips.

Laurens feels himself freeze, eyes darting around anxiously. The fear that someone will arrest them overwhelms him. When will he ever grow accustomed to public displays of affection? Staring at Alexander, he can’t help but feel sentimental seeing him in a deep blue coat, bundled up in a light gray scarf and hat. They’re both quiet for a long second as Alexander practically chugs the coffee in one gulp. Somehow the sight moves his heart, this is the man he loves. Taking his hands, Laurens twines their fingers together before stepping closer.  

“What’s the surprise?” Alexander finally asks eagerly, making Laurens laugh.

“Let me have a moment. I’m still breathless seeing how you look in blue.” It’s not a lie. He loves seeing him like this. It feels familiar. He watches as Alexander take another sip of the coffee to hide the blush.

“Are we taking the subway?” He manages to change the subject after long seconds of bashful silence.

“I’d prefer we walk.”

“Laurens, it’s freezing.” He counters in an almost wine as they walk together.

“I’ve never been able to walk hand in hand with a boyfriend before. Not back then. I want to enjoy it now.” That’s all Laurens can offer.

“Back when? In South Carolina?” Alexander presses him, he clearly wants more information that Laurens isn’t ready to give.

”Over zealous religious, homophobic, toxic upbringings that reinforced hyper masculinity and punished art and creativity.” He adds bitterly. “I can’t be too hard imagining why I would never be able to hold another mans hand.” He feels Alexander squeeze his fingers. 

“You’re not there anymore, Laurens.” He reminds him. Laurens nods, taking a sip of his own coffee. 

The uncomfortable prickling sensation kicks him, his chest tightening. “Do you ever feel deja vu?” The change of topic is sudden, he needs to stop thinking about his family. His brother, his father and mother. They’re sore spots for him. 

“Only when I’m with you.” Alexander bumps his shoulder sensing his distress. Laurens pauses, turning to look at him with wide eyes. “What don’t take it seriously, I’m only teasing.” He adds, pulling Laurens along.

“But I want too!” Laurens raises his voice in protest before shutting his mouth abruptly.

_Fuck_.

How can he spin such an outburst? “I... I like thinking about the possibility. What if we found each other over different lives? Is that so bad?” He keeps his eyes trained forward as Alexander shrugs.

“It’s romantic.” He manages. “If it’s so important to you then, tell me what you’d like to imagine?” A small grin spreads across Alexander’s face as Laurens takes a sip of his drink to calm his nerves.

“Colonial time period. Revolutionary war.” He starts, his heart beating roughly in his chest, it’s okay to talk about if he’s only speaking hypothetically right?

“Go on..” he urges him.

“We’d have met working under George Washington in the war.” He contuines.

“Yeah probably as like, what? secretaries?” He snorts making Laurens eyes widen. _Keep calm_.

“They were called aides-de-camp and they were way more than just secretaries.” He responds defensively. “We would have assisted the General in any matter he needed us for.” He tries to keeping his breathing calm and even.

“But it was also a crime back then too.” Alexander reminds him.

“So we’d have kept it a secret. Stolen moments and hidden kisses. All of the aides shared rooms or tents so we easily could have shared one.” He retorts, squeezing Alexander’s fingers tightly. Alexander looks amused, Laurens can tell he’s starting to warm up and enjoy the conversation.

“I’d have to constantly remind you to sleep, but half of the time I would just lie in bed watching you work by candle light. Scribbling away on some matter Washington asked you to handle.” He sounds far off now, thinking about how many times he had woken up before the sun rose to find Hamilton still in the library working.

“Until one of us would leave to fight.” Alexander adds. His voice unusually quiet. “It probably would have been you since you’re so reckless.” He scoffs but Laurens face drops. His black battalion. His fight against slavery. It failed. He failed. How many bullets did he take, how many lives did he use before his luck ran out. Six. That was the answer. Five more than he needed. If only the first bullet had killed him. “We would have wrote letters.” Alexander Perks up. “Me constantly telling me how much I loved you and missed you.” Laurens feels his stomach lurch. His eyes downcast. Eventually they would have grown apart. Hamilton alone, worried for him. The war and distance would get to him, pushing his thoughts into darkness. He would push Alexander to marry and forget about him, and Hamilton would find a bride. Laurens would be alone and then he would die.

Laurens doesn’t like this game anymore.

“It’s just a fantasy though.” As if Alexander can sense his oncoming distress. His mood sinking, his heart in his throat. How could he shake such a horrible vision? Especially when it happened.

“Right of course.” Laurens clears his throat, stopping to turn and look at Alexander. His dark eyes are narrowed, something was bothering him. “Because you’re here with me in this day in age. Where I can do this.” Laurens drops his hands sliding his arms around his waist pulling him into a kiss.

“With all this Revolutionary talk- it makes me wonder if we could find a war uniform in costuming stores.” Alexander mentions, clearly pleased by Laurens kiss. Laurens flinches in surprise making him chuckle. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Holding his cheeks so his Laurens can’t hide his face.

“You have no idea.” He breathes out- his heart beating wildly as he pulls his face free and laying his head on his shoulder.

“You’ve got a kink-“

“Don’t you dare.” Laurens interrupts him, pulling back. “Come on, the place closes at 8.” He pulls Alexander along, somehow his mood feels renewed. He can still feel the dark feelings looming in the back of his mind, but for now he just tries to push them down.

———

 

They have to take the subway to make it in time. Laurens stands holding on to the rail by the door. Alexander sitting in the seat in front of him as they both relax in the comfortable silence between them. Alexander working on some document on his phone. Laurens peeking, hovering over him, occasionally making come comments on the case.

By the time they reach the building Laurens is pulling him along into the campus of his college. “Why are we at NYU?” He asks him again as they head for the library.

“About two months ago I felt inspired.” Laurens starts his story as they rush for the building. “I’ve never worked with paints before but I wanted to try.” He continues holding the door open. Grateful for the warmth Laurens begins unraveling his scarf.

“Mister Laurens it’s 7:45 and Christmas Eve. Why are you here?” The librarian seems to chide them while Laurens pulls Alexander along. Rushing him.

“It won’t be but a moment.” He promises her in passing before pushing to the back near the conference rooms. Pushing towards the fifth door he digs into his pocket for his student ID, swiping it so he can enter.

“I entered a contest. I’ve never done anything like that before.” He explains letting go of Alexander’s hand and stepping towards the table. He’s quiet as he steps towards the large canvas hanging up. Laurens can spy his name and signature just beneath it. Slowly Alexander makes his way over, touching the template that reads ‘ _John Laurens 5th place_ ’ and just below that the title of the piece.

“Hamilton?” He reads it out loud inspecting the piece. Staring hard at is multiple shades of brown, swirling together almost haphazardly, strokes of black arching outward around a purposely sloppy oval.

He tried his best to convey the feeling he felt seeing Alexander again. The eyes that betrayed his identity. Warm and brown, full of conflicting colors and depth. The determination and passion so carefully blended yet recklessly splashed with white.

Alexander seems speechless and for a second Laurens wonders if maybe it’s too much. Hastily he tries to explain. “The first time I saw your eyes, I knew in my soul that I recognized you. The way you looked at me held so much intensity that I... I wanted to capture it.” He rambles more, trying to fill the silence. “Pencil did nothing until a friend suggested oil paint and everything came together.” He explains, running his hands nervously into his hair. “I decided to enter it into a contest. It’s no first place, but I’ve never done something like this- my father would probably have a heart attack if he knew…” if he knew he was drawing the love of his life for over two centuries. That and the love of his life was a man.

Turning back to look at him Alexander steps around the table to wrap his arms around him.

“I become obsessed easily with things.” Laurens stifles the retort building up. Remembering all of the flowery letters Hamilton sent him. Telling him how cherished he was. “I was always worried maybe I was feeling too much for you and I would scare you off.”

”why would you think that?” Laurens tries not to look offended, even as Hamilton chuckles.

”Laurens, I told you I loved you earlier today and you didn’t even hear me.” He points out. Laurens can’t keep the horror off his face. Did he? How could he have not noticed? “My point is that this is a first for me… I’ve never been satisfied like this.” The words are clearly hard for him to admit. Laurens can’t help but touch his hair pushing it behind his ear thoughtfully.

“You show your love with words. I show mine in other ways.” Laurens reaches out to pull him into his chest, holding on to him.

“So you love me too then?” He whispers the words. “It’s been two months and I’m already in love with you.” Alexander says, his words muffled by the lapel of Laurens jacket.

“My dear boy, I’ve been in love with you from the first minute you walked into my life.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurens has a hard time focusing while Alexander is in Philadelphia assisting with the Tilghman case.

Laurens doesn’t mind working as the overnight Vet Tech for the ER portion the clinic. It keeps him distracted, he could focus on helping the animals and keeping them company instead of thinking about Alexander. So naturally, Laurens can’t help but feel a little miffed that today was the day his boss decides to be generous with Laurens and let him have the night off for New Year’s Eve.

Yet, Laurens has never been a person to party, instead he chooses to focus on his studies. The distraction is welcoming- even if he is technically on break. That and his distractions are usually limited to school, work, and Alexander. It’s not even as if he will never see Alexander again. He’s only a days travel away in Philadelphia assisting the Tilghman family. Helping them build their case against the school. Helping finding them a legal counsel fit for their needs. Sure he should be back in two weeks, but school starts that week and when your boyfriend runs off a scholarship to Columbia and is a awful workaholic, your time is limited together. 

Reaching for his keys, he pauses feeling the knob twist, so he forgot to lock the door again? He knows the thought should bother him, but it doesn’t. What’s the worst that could happen? A intruder sits in his room waiting to kill him and steal his things? Part of him would consider that a blessing.

Flipping the light switch he scoffs at the lack of intruders. There is nothing of value in his apartment anyways. Especially since for the past three months, he barely spent time in his own home. The oil paints he bought back in October were still scattered on his floor. The scrubs for his work piled on his desk. Most of the time he was at Alexanders place. Even if it was a 30 minute trip to get to classes and 45 minutes to get to the vet clinic he was interning at- seeing him wake up every morning was worth it.

Flopping down on the couch he automatically reached for the turtle themed pillow pet Alexander had bought him. It was childish, but he loved it all the same; especially when he couldn’t see him at the moment. As if on que he can hear his phone ding in his pocket. 

 _You can see the stars outside down here. They remind me of you and your beautifully freckled body_.

 

Laurens felt his face head up at the text Alexander sent him, how was he supposed to respond to that? Like a fool, he could only manage to respond with ‘ _come back soon_ ’

His evening passing quietly, over time trading his school work for doodling on the paper, Alexander’s new features impeding on his old ones. He could still remember the sturdy yet gentle slope of his jaw and red hair, but now he drew the soft black hair in messy waves and beautiful almond shaped eyes. 

The loud ringing of his phone starles him, breaking is concentration as absently he picks it up, flipping it over to see Alexander’s  and across the screen. All too excitedly, he snatches it up, pushing the paper and book off his lap. “Alexander?” He answers the phone someone breathless and hesitantly. A weird mixture, sure, but what could he do?

He can hear noise in the background- people cheering as it got closer and closer to midnight. “Enjoying your time in Philadelphia then?” He asks, holding his breath.

“You could say that, but I’d rather see you more.” His voice finally comes through as Lauren leans back unable to stop his smile from forming.

“Soon enough.” Laurens promises him. “I’ll be sure to make it up to you when you return.” It wasn’t that Laurens didn’t have a sex drive before seeing Alexander, it was just- Alexanders insanely high libido was infectious. 

“Does that mean you’ll finally draw that portrait of me you promised.” He reaponds, a clear innuendo. Laurens knows there is something seductive about the way he speaks, specifically whenever the idea of portraits comes up.

“I’m in the mood to draw too- if only you were here.” Laurens feigns innocent.

“I’ll make you eat those words.” There is a lustful growl in his voice. Laurens can feel his face heating up in embarrassment again. 

“How much have you had to drink- you’re very forward.” Laurens coughs out the words, trying to change the subject. Alexander being states away for nearly the entire month really stresses him out. What is Elizabeth appeared? No matter how often Alexander called or texted each day- the worry ate at him.

“On the contrary I am completely sober. Especially since I knew you’d be sulking in your room tonight.” 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Laurens retorts grumpily. “I just don’t feel like going out and doing anything.” Instead he would rather sit in the dark letting his thoughts and stress eat at him. 

“I spent the past three days working until 4 am to finish up everything for the Tilghman family to deliver to Mr. Burr when he arrived to take their case. Tomorrow he was supposed to arrive, however something with his daughter came up and instead of meeting him in person tomorrow, it’s been pushed back to the third… so now, all of my work is done two days early.” He trails off making Laurens sit up. Laurens tries to focus on the background, how loud the streets are. 

“What are you planning to do with your two free days?” Laurens tries to keep his voice even as he jumps from his couch, throwing the turtle and pulling the red wool cardigan on over his pajamas and practically running for the door. Can he hear how breathless he is?

“I’m waiting John.” Is his only response as Laurens dodges down the hallway stairs, practically tripping over himself as he steps into the lobby and out the doors. Alexander stood there, bundled up in his deep navy parka, his hair stuffed in the scarf and fur trim around his hood brushing against his face. Alexander is here, smiling at him holding the phone at his ear.

Laurens practically runs to him and wraps his arms around him, Alexander opening his coat to let him snuggle into the warmth, their chests pressed together.

“I wanted to surprise you.” He responds finally as Laurens pulls his face free from inside of the coat and kisses his jawline and neck. He doesn’t care at the moment how cold it is, all he can think about is how long it’s been since he’s seen Alexander and how badly he wants to feel him, warm against the bed.

“If we head upstairs right now, I might be able to paint something you’d like by the time the new year rings in.” Laurens mentions nipping softly at the lobe of his ear. He feels Alexander’s chest stops moving- holding his breath.

“Let’s go then.”

Laurens pulls him upstairs, unhappily dislodging himself from his coat so he can rush back inside. The cold winter air doing nothing to clear his head. Clamoring up the stairs and into the room, Alexander wastes no time pushing Laurens up against the door as soon as it’s closed.

Laurens groans muffled by Alexander’s mouth as their kiss depends, running his hands across Alexander’s body- touching everywhere. His chest, shoulders, waist, anywhere he can his hands on. Alexander holds Laurens face as Lauren pushes Alexander’s coat off. Breaking their kiss to pull back and stare at him.

“I missed you.” Alexander tells him as he pulls off his parka. Finishing Laurens sloppy handiwork. Turning around Alexander’s turns to drop his coat on the floor where a desk should be, pausing in confusion for a second, it dawns on him quickly Alexander has never been to his apartment before. Laurens can’t help but chuckle, Picking the coat up from the ground and setting it on the counter by the door so Alexander can look around. 

“I’ve never been to your room before.” He notes, Laurens steps behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“This is what cleanliness looks like, Hamilton.” He cant help but tease him, yet Alexander doesn’t respond instead he pulls his waist free and threads their fingers together. Looking around, it’s a small one bedroom apartment, bigger than Alexander’s studio but still small. His desk is cluttered with workbooks but on the floor he has more painting supplies and sketches taped up loosely.

“What are you working on now?” He asks as Laurens ‘ _hmms_ ’ softly.

“I was trying to draw different animals from memory. That one is a cow obviously.” He explains a little too quickly. Pushing past Alexander and picking up the multiple torn out pages and shoving them hastily back into the pad. “Normally it’s not such a mess.” He tries to pick it up. If Alexander were to see any of the doodles of his previous life- it would likely start a fight.

“You’re nervous Laurens.” He points out, god why did Hamilton have to understand him so well.

“I’m very shy about my art. And I know I still have pictures of my former…” he can’t finish the sentence, partially cause it doesn’t feel true.

“Ah.” He responds dully, continuing to strip off the layers of clothes. Laurens pulls the drawer open, shoving the pad into the top drawer messily and closes it. 

“It’s nothing to worry about.” He starts, but Alexander just gives him a sharp look.

“Isn’t it?” He shrugs. “You still care about him. Even though I am right here and he is married-“ he’s set off now.

“No! I told him to get married. I was the one that pushed to end things even when he tried to assure me he didn’t need a wife.” Wrong choice of words, but how exactly was he supposed to defend Alexander to... himself? “In the end he did and we were not compatible.” He finalizes. 

“None is this helps your case.” Alexander mentions dryly. Laurens feels his temper spike a little. 

“I’m not on trial Alexander. I love you and only you.” He snaps at him. Moving to his books on the couch. “The past is so far gone it cannot touch us.” He quickly tries to assure him, Laurens doesn’t think to hard on the impulsive action. Picking up his notes with the doodle of Alexander he practically shoves the paper into his hands. Alexander pauses, surprise crossing his face.

“You drew me?” He asks, Laurens looks embarrassed but straightens up. There was no turning back now. 

“Those are old Alexander, that one isn’t.” He promises. Alexander nods once and sets the paper down. Reaching out to brush his thumb across his cheek, his hands cups Laurens face. Leaning forward Laurens kisses him softly. “I love you, Alexander.” He reminds him. 

“I love you too, my Jack.” He whispers. Laurens freezes hearing the name. Alexander blinks- surprised for just a second. “No- I, I don’t know- I don’t know where that came from.” He protests quickly, fumbling on his words. “I don’t even know a Jack.” However Laurens can’t help but laugh. His eyes glassy as tears sting his eyes, threatening to spill over.

Alexander must mistake his tears for unhappy ones as he let’s go and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m so sorry, I don’t-“

“You do.” He says firmly grabbing Alexander’s hands and pulling them away from his face. “I’m jack. My family called me jack affectionately. It was a nickname.” He explains, his heart is elated, unable to stop his smile. 

“I don’t think you’ve ever told me that.” He argues, Laurens just laughs and reaches out to kiss him. Maybe not in this life. 

“I did.” He promises. Alexander remembers, even if he doesn’t realize it.

“And it makes you happy?” He sounds confused, hesitant to kiss him back. Laurens just nods and wraps his arms around his neck.

“More than anything.” He nods once, Alexander doesn’t question it any further, his arms finally pulling him into a comfortable embrace.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurens gets slammed with some flashbacks. It doesn’t bode well.  
> A warning these next few chapters ( 8, 9, 10 ) are about to get really heavy. I wrote these with my own experience my own levels of depression and suicide ideals. That being said, keep in mind it’s not a shock value feeling, they are pivotal to healing- it does not end sad.

Laurens can’t help but feel disgusted in his actions. Sitting by the fire he tries to stare hard at the flames, willing the heat to dry his eyes. Why would he not count his glasses of wine? Why would a simple conversation bring his focus from the party to his broken heart. He must not show any weakness. Not now- not ever. His nature, it is his gravest secret and his biggest disgust. Tightening his fist into a ball, he feels the edges of the parchment crinkle in distress. Damn Francis- he slams the letters down on the table. Why should he love a loyalist? Why should he allow a loyalist to break his heart?

“Mister Laurens?” A soft voice catches his attention. “You’re withdrawal from the party concerned me and a few others…” turning to look he can see a woman’s silhouette in the door frame, the fire warming up his face. No one could see this weakness.

“Misses Manning I presume?” He clears his throat turning back to look at the fire, leaning on the edge of the chair trying hide his glassy eyed expression. Her footsteps are soft as she travels closer to him. “My father mentions your family often.” He adds. God, what is he saying. “Please give me but a minute. I would not like a lady to see such a pathetic sight.” He adds, his words cutting her steps short. Briskly Laurens folds up the letter.

“Can I be of any assistance?” Her prying words make him straighten up. Perhaps it was a mentality thing. As it was, Laurens had never been with a women- so couldn’t he too? Move on as his dear Francis did?

“I am just a little a distressed.” He tries to keep his voice even. “I hold a letter of failed love.” He tries to explain, moving to slip it back into his breast pocket.

“Is it wise to keep it?”

“Not so likely.”

“Then why torture yourself?” A simple question that makes him pause. “Toss it into the fire.” Her eyes brighten up with gentle mischief. Perhaps it is the wine, or his newfound resolve to rid himself of this unnatural nature. “Think of it as a release from the past. A new start.” She urges him.

Laurens pauses pulling the folded letter free- how many times in the past had he read this letter..? Could he burn it? His last connection to his love Francis?

Her soft gloved hand touches his fingers- he doesn’t feel anything, but it does however give him a small comfort. Leaning closer to Laurens he lets her guide his hand to the fire- flicking the letter into the flames.

They sit there for a few moments- watching as the paper catches, withering in pain. Yet her hand stays over his. He could do this he could move on. He could walk a straight, honest, godly path.

He’s not sure what he should do? Her lips are softer than Francis, her body smaller and slight as her tiny hands touch his cheek and he does not push him away. Her lips part for him as his hands touch her waist, she relents underneath him. His blood doesn’t burn- there is no lust building in his chest as her hands brush against his chest.

“Mister Laurens.” She breaks their kiss- Laurens feels nothing but relief as they pull away. “If we do not cease I’m afraid I will have a harder time turning away.” She adds weakly, watching him beneath her eyelashes.

He’s not aroused like he should be. He failing. Harder. He needs to try harder. If only he could just get past his hesitance.

Reaching over to touch her face he smiles “then do not.”

 

—

 

Laurens wants to die as Martha stands at his door. Her cheeks are wet as she clutches his hands. “I have serious news. Please John, if you are anything as a gentleman- help me.” He hasn’t seen anything of Martha since their night together- he simply brushed the experience off as a failure. Torn to pieces over the realization his urges and feelings did nothing to cease. 

“My dear girl, what has happened?” He holds her hands- he’s not sure what to expect. Perhaps someone has fallen ill and she requires comfort. His nature does not make him fear women- he simply just does not find them as alluring as other schoolboys may describe.

“I-“ she looks distressed. “I am with child, John.” She utters the words so softly they don’t register at first. “It is yours- it only could be.”

 

—-

“You’re going to leave? John we have barely been married 4 months!” Martha protests- her belly has swollen significantly- every day a reminder of his mistakes. Somehow this makes his temper rise. No, he needs to remain calm.

“My dear girl-“ he tries to console her. Martha is a gentle girl. She deserved a true husband who loved her. Their marriage was duty and they both know it. He doesn’t want to hurt Martha- but he can’t. He needs a fresh start. London just reminds him of Jemmy. Another failure. 

“You are to make me a widow! John you have a child to be born by months end!” She reminds him. Laurens doesn’t need a reminder. He never wanted this- neither of them did.

They were no match for each other.

“I must go, my country calls to me. I will write- I promise Martha.” He’s lying- they both know it. He can’t even bring himself to kiss her goodbye.

 

——

Laurens practically wakes up gasping. His hands in his hair as he shakes. Looking around he pushes off the bed, taking a tumble to the floor as he digs through the nightstand. His fingers grip the familiar moleskin journal as he pulls it free.

Another piece of his past revealing itself, the feelings still fresh and his heart still bleeding. “How could I?” He can’t stop muttering as he pushes the hair from his face. His curls wild as Alexander peeks over the edge of the bed sleepily.

“My love?” He asked as Laurens ignores him.

“What have I done? That child was…” how could he have simply left her to raise a child on her own? How could he have been married? How could he have run like a coward? Shakily he tries to write down the dream. The way Martha felt in his hands and how he felt about Francis. The horror and disgust he felt during that time vivid and abhorrence for himself swirls within him. Only now he knew more, how much worse he behaved. He would never meet his daughter especially not now as she was long dead.

A sob wrecks his body, alarming Alexander as he shoots upwards now. Practically jumping from the bed. “I’m ashamed.” He can’t write anymore, he can barely get through the raging emotions inside him. Alexander kneels on the floor next to him, both hands on his shoulders as he tries to calm him.

“Are you sleepwalking? Laurens what’s going on?” It’s obvious Alexander has never encountered such a melt down before. Laurens brushes his hands off, he doesn’t want him to touch him.

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” He grits the words out, curling tighter around himself. Each breath feels nauseating. The air in the room feels heavy and suffocating. He can’t let Alexander be near him. Especially how everything he touches seems to wilt and die. “This is why I’m here… It’s my own hell.” He’s talking to himself. As Alexander leans back, his hands on his knees, respectfully. “I shouldn’t be alive. Being born like this must be gods cruel punishment for all my sins.” Alexander is silent- looking helplessly lost as he moves to place his hands on his cheeks, trying to snap him out of the mood.

“John- my John. Jack. Please” he tries again but Laurens only looks at him, and swats his hands off. Why can’t Alexander understand? He needs to get away from him, he can’t breathe like this. 

“You should leave, before my bad luck ruins you too.” He tells him. Alexander scoffs and furrows his brow, but he doesn’t try to touch him again. 

“Whatever is bothering you, I will listen-“

“It’s not simple.” He cuts him off, Alex huffs in response. Laurens finally feels himself calm down, Like someone has tossed a blanket over his emotions. His thoughts are empty, the sound of static in his ears. It’s a familiar feeling- something he always used to feel before a battle. Like turning a light off. Like leaving his body. Feeling like this, It was how he could dive into battles recklessly. Only there is no war now.

Alexander stands up pulling Laurens up, his hand on his waist supporting him as he sits him on the edge. Laurens flinches but doesn’t push him away. Alexander seems conscious of his actions.Taking the blanket he tries his best to wrap him in the blanket before laying him down. Curling up next to him but careful not to touch Laurens.

“I would never leave you.” He promises, Laurens feels his heart crack, the pain in his chest overwhelming. The tears are coming- he can feel it as he buries his face into his blankets, hiding his face.

“I’m sorry.” He adds, he feels Alex scoot closer, placing a hand around the blanket. He holds him there, whispering soothing words into his hair, rubbing his back while Laurens sobs.

—

Lauren doesn’t sleep that night. Alexander despite his promises to stay awake with him passed out after three or so hours. The fear that he would see more keeps him up as he moves to sit at his computer. Picking up his book from the ground.

Laurens learned a long time ago not to research himself, but every time he does it anyways- and every time Laurens finds things he doesn’t like. Martha Manning Laurens died a widow, their child orphaned. He never went back, he never took responsibility, he never even honored his wedding vows to her. Everyone knew the marriage was out of honor. He ruined Martha’s life. And Frances life. His desperation to fix what shouldn’t have been considered broken had caused both of their unhappiness.

“If anyone deserved a second chance at a life it wasn’t me.” He tells them through the computer. Writing things down he tried his best to keep his emotions calm. “another to add to my growing list of failures.” He adds under his breath. Slamming the journal shut and sliding it into the desk. Laying his head down on the desk he tries to fight his feelings.

How is he supposed to recover from this? How could he spin this positively when Alexander laid in his bed, he did not deserve this. Brown eyes stare out at him, watching him patiently from under the covers.

“You’re awake.” He sounds more accusatory than he means too.

“What tortures you?” He asks him, there is still sleepiness in his voice. Trying his best to form a smile he tries to crawl into bed next to Alexander who opens his arms and the blankets to him.

“Everything. I failed at everything. I’ve made nothing but mistakes and somehow I’m still here- walking this earth when I don’t think I deserve too.” He tries to be vague, Alexander sits up.

“That kind of talk- it’s worrying Laurens.” He admits.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. In the life before- in this life- and any life after I will always and forever be a coward.” He assures him. Alexander’s brows knit together in frustration. Alexander his never been one for patience. His temper is terrifying and he can see Laurens is pushing his patience.

“John Laurens you have never been a coward, but I think…” he trails off a second. “I think last night, it’s bigger than both of us.” He finsines. Laurens feels his heart drop into his stomach.

“Are you saying what I think you are?” Laurens tries to dislodge from his grip, but Alexander holds steadfast to his waist.

“I’m saying-“ he clears his throat to clarify “that I’m worried about you, and that the things you say are dangerous. Maybe you should see someone.” He finishes.

“That’s not you.” Laurens adds coldly. A matter of time- he knew it was a matter of time before Alexander realized he was better off.

“No!” He grabs his face, forcing him to look at him. “I meant a professional. Seek help from a doctor.” He assures him, frozen Laurens shakes his head. They would commit him if he told them what was happening.

If he told anyone that he was reborn they would lock him up and never let him leave.

“And here is my proof that I am a coward.” He starts, shaking his head rapidly. “I do not want to. And I won’t.” He gives Alexander a hard look to keep him from protesting. “It’s late into the morning- you have classes and work as an aide. We should get up and get going.” He pulls himself away from Hamilton. Moving to the bathroom to shut and lock the door before Alexander can stop him.

“I can take a day off Laurens, I’m not comfortable with leaving you alone to your own devices right now.” Alexanders worried voice comes through the door. Laurens can’t stand it. Not when all it does is dredge up more guilt. Instead of answering he simply turns on the shower. Using the noise to filter out Alexander’s worried protests. The silence feels deafening as he slides down on the the ground staring hard at the water pooling. If he got in the tub he could just lay in the water. 

He could let his lungs fill up with water. He could just lay there until he can’t breath anymore. 

The thought brings him some comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A clear statement of what is going on.   
> Laurens starts having a panic attack until he dissociates.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another warning: these next few chapters are very intense, please be prepared before reading. I’ve written these with my own personal experiences in mind. It’s not for shock value. It’s instrumental in getting help.  
> Like the tags say, I ship Laurens with mental stability

“Are you at home?” Alexander asks as soon as Laurens picks up his phone. He’s unable to hold back a sigh, he’s unsure how to handle Alexander. His doting was beginning to annoy Laurens. His attention fixated more than usual since their argument. He constantly checks on him, treats him with such fragility. Laurens assumes it’s because he’s afraid he will disappear. Whatever Alexander’s Logic is, he can’t stand the babying. 

“I’m walking now- classes ran late.” He’s trying to rush, but the rain is miserable during this season. “

”The door was unlocked.” Alexanders voice is unrecognizable. Laurens tries to hold back the sigh. 

“I must have forgotten, it happens sometimes.” He adds quickly.

“You’re kidding.” Now he can hear it. The frustration. “What if someone broke in?” Laurens doesn’t want to argue right now. Not about this. 

“If someone were to break in they wouldn’t find anything of value.” He retorts, he wishes Alexander would just let him be.

“You’re valuable. Don’t be so reckless.” Laurens just rolls his eyes. 

“Yes, yes, whatever you say. I’m about to hop on the subway. Give me 30 minutes.”

“I’ll be waiting.” He adds, his voice sounds restrained, but after a few moments he adds quietly. “I love you, Laurens.”

“I love you too.” Laurens can’t help but feel guilty.

 

—-

“I know that I took longer than usual but I thought you might appreciate dinner-“ Laurens starts, as he steps into his apartment, Alexander isn’t in the living room. Looking around he sees his bag is on the desk. “I’m sorry I’ll make sure I lock my door.” He adds, his stomach turning with nerves. Setting the food down in the small kitchen, he peeks his head into the room.

“...Alexander?” He calls out, peeking into his room to see his boyfriend sitting on the bed, his journal in hand. “No, no, no what are you doing.” Laurens practically leaps at his bed to snatch his journal free. These were his secrets- his memories. Alexander let’s him take the book as Laurens steps back. He wasn’t supposed to find out this way. Alexander just watches him move across the room, standing up and cross his arms over his chest. 

“What’s going on?” His eyes are narrowed, suspicious, hurt, anger, it’s all written on his face. Alexander was never one to disguise what was on his mind and right now Laurens wishes he would. 

“Alexander, this is a serious invasion of privacy” his words are shaky, he needs to stand up straight, be a man. 

“I thought it would help me understand what’s been eating at you- this… this is insane. John what’s going on?” He nods at the book in his hands and the space between them.

“It’s not insane! You know it. You may not remember but you-“ the words start pouring out, unable to stop it.

“Don’t start John! Reincarnation is not real.” Alexander runs his hands through his hair, raking through the ends in anger.

“You know my name!” Stop talking Laurens. “Jack! You called me that special name without me telling you!” Yet the word vomit doesn’t stop as he paces. “When I showed you that painting- you and I hypothetically talked, well guess what! It. Wasn’t. Hypothetical. You guessed everything that happened perfectly.” He snaps, he feels his stomach twist. How long has he kept this in? Was this how he was going to tell their story? Was this how it was going to end?

“That’s coincidence!” His brown eyes are searching, desperate for any kind of retraction. 

“Alexander you share the same name!” He points out. “I knew you from the first minute I saw you. I knew it was you. Why would make up something so extensive!?” He throws his arms up in frustration, slamming the book back down on to the bed. He feels his anger rise, Why should he have to carry this burden alone? If he’s going to suffer, why should he be the only one to do it? 

“Are you implying I am your ex?” Laurens remains quiet, it gives him his answer. Alexander’s face twists into something kin to anguish. “This is madness, John!”

“If you’re just going to mock me than leave. I never told you because I knew you wouldn’t believe me.” The way Alex looks makes him falter. “But I know time and time again those dreams have been accurate on a level I could not simply make up.” He feels his defense deflate.

How could Alexander look at him like he had never seen him in his life before? Like Laurens had betrayed him, when in fact it was reversed.

“This is absolute insanity. Laurens, I love you and I think perhaps I wasn’t firm enough on you seeing a doctor.” The use of his last name makes Laurens cringe. Alexander seems to catch on, stepping forward to grab his shoulders. 

“No! That’s not happening. I’m not imagining this. Alexander how can you sit there and argue this?” He doesn’t try to move away, instead he just glares at him. 

“How can you?!” He counters. Laurens let’s his shoulders drop, the similar blanket feeling overwhelming him. His emotions seemed to mute to a soft hum. 

“Burr.” Alexander freezes, his grip on his arms falters. “Aaron Burr- the lawyer who hired you as an aide. He’s the same as me.” Laurens feels satisfaction in knowing so. Yet he can’t find it in him to feel smug.

“What are you talking about.” His eyes seem to narrow.

“Approach him too. I dare you. And if he corroborates my story without even knowing me. Will you believe me?”

“That’s- why would he be… how would you even know?” Alexander looks like he’s trying to piece a puzzle together, a hard one. 

“Because Alexander- he’s the one that shot and killed you.”

“I can’t handle this.” Alexander shakes his head, his grip softens as he pulls back. “I regret coming here tonight.” Laurens feels his heart sink into his chest as he slides down against the wall.

“I’ve been writing those memories since I was 10. Take the book read through it. If you do that and it still doesn’t convince you… then I will emit myself into a hospital.” He buries his face into his hands, sitting on the wall.

Perhaps that is what is best for him anyways.

“John… look at me.” He can hear Alexander across the room. “I love you so much but this is too much…” Laurens feels himself flinch, this is it then? He feels himself let out an exhasperated huff of air.

“It was only a matter of time. Even in a new life, destiny still wants us apart. Perhaps now that this is over, you’ll find Elizabeth again. You’ll get married again, live happily again. I’ll die again.” He can’t bring himself to cry, to feel anything. “We’re doomed to live this endless loop. It’s my punishment. For my wife and child, my brother, my failures, every single one of them keeps me in this hell. And it dangles you in front me. The best thing to happen to me in both lives…” he’s going on a tangent now. Alexander reaches down to touch his face but Laurens smacks his hand away.

“Go away, Hamilton. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He can only hurt Alexander more as he listens to the footsteps fall across the room, out the door and leaving him entirely.

At that point Laurens knows he can cry freely. It takes him awhile to finally get up off the floor, it doesn’t bother him that his journal is gone.

—

 

The first few days Laurens calls out sick. Too tired, to depressed to find the energy to crawl out of bed. After that he just doesn’t bother showing up. His phone is dead across the room. For the first time he doesn’t dream. Everything simply feels empty and black.

“Was this what it was like to lose him before?” He asks himself. He’s always understood why it would be so easy to jump in front of a bullet in every battle. But there wasn’t a war here, why couldn’t he just go fight now?

He could.

The thought gives him the energy to crawl out of bed. Pulling on a pullover sweater in the floor and jeans. Not bothering with a coat or trying to tame his hair, without a second thought he leaves the apartment unlocked.

It doesn’t take a lot for Laurens to get drunk at the nearest bar, he’s slight and despite his constitution in the 18th century- it didnt carry over.

Neither did his brawling abilities.

Not to say Laurens had any considering his pampered southern social standing, but fighting in a war has toughened him up, somewhat. It did nothing for him, not in this life.

It was however, truly easy to pick a fight in this day in age. Sitting down he knew how to pick them, the easiest ones were always the most polished. Button-up polos and khaki shorts. It’s too easy to find the most homophobic person.

Small pats on the arm, suggestive comments. Stir the pot with just enough taunts and flirting until that precious mansculinity snaps, and they start swinging. A fist connects with his cheek and for the first time since he can remember, Laurens feels alive.

Alive enough to right himself and throw his own punch, the man swatting his punch away effortlessly and using his elbow to slam Laurens head down into the table. Holding him there.

His head swarms, too dizzy to protest as the security and bartender intervene. Pulling them apart. His face aches from where he was hit. His knees ache as he hits the asphalt physically tossed out on the street.

All too soon his adrenaline is over, but it’s still too early in the night for him to give up.

Laurens knows he must look a mess. Yet he doesn’t want to go home and face reality. He doesn’t want to see that Alexander is done with him. So instead he roams, his mind in a fog. He’s not sure when he climbed on to the highline, the plants over growing against the tracks dont bring him any comfort. Leaning against the railing he pauses, looking down at the city. He immersed himself into more emotional detatched thoughts. Like, how high up above the city the highline just was. How easy it would be to jump. Laurens can’t help but deliberate crawling over the ledge.

Instead Laurens fantasizes the idea of jumping. If he could time it against the oncoming traffic. If falling forward or backwards would change the likelihood of death vs injury. Yet, Laurens can’t bring himself to pull his feet up, he’s a coward- just as he told Alexander.

Even if he was a coward, he was unsure of how much more suffering he could take.

Gripping the rail he can’t help but kick the wall in frustration before following down the line. It drops him off downtown and Laurens wanders, his sobriety finally pushing into him as the sun rises and exhaustion sets in. He can see his reflection in the glass windows of the buildings he passes and he knows he looks a mess. His hair is frizzy, untamed and knotted like a rats nest. His eye is purple and his lip had began to swell. His jeans are ripped and his sweater is dirty.

Life always seems to lead back to his roots. His luck is always impeccable. Pausing in front of the church he can’t help but curse. It’s different yet the same. It’s construction similar to the 18th century with only minor refurbishments. Laurens debates on going in, yet he can’t bring himself too, instead he follows his impulses. Walking around back he can’t stop his feet as he walks into the graveyard. He knows where Hamilton is. He’s been here 100’s of times. Until the past six months, this was always the closest he believed he would get.

Collapsing next to the grave he can’t help but stare at all three. Elizabeth Schuyler Hamilton and Angelica Schuyler Chruch. Alexander Hamilton. They are all here together, and where is he? Buried in South Carolina alone and forgotten. 

“We can’t allow the homeless loiter.” A voice calls out to him behind him making Laurens laugh.

“Homeless? I’m not, I’m visiting the grave of a loved one.” He promises, pointing to where he kneels.

“You too, huh?” Turning to look at her he sizes her up, long smooth black hair, a white chiffon blouse and pencil skirt. The material is flattering on her. Peering over his shoulder she watches the grave, trained to know exactly which one as her eyes narrow with thoughtfulness.

“Alexander Hamilton was a loved one?” She asks. Laurens doesn’t even care if he sounds crazy.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” He rolls his head back, he’s so tired. Leaning back on the grave he can hear her soft footsteps coming closer. 

“Wouldn’t I?” She prompts him as he opens his eyes to look at her, she’s leaning down just above him. Looking around he notices for the first time the fresh flowers by the three graves.

“You must be the flower deliverer.” He sounds amused in his own sad way.

“Every Thursday at dawn when the cemetery opens.” She adds with a small smile. “You look tired.” She adds, squatting down next to him.

“Dead is a better discriptor.” He snickers, looking up he can see the amusement in her black eyes. The same knowing look he often wished he saw in Alexander’s. One that recognized all his troubles. “John Laurens.” He finally chokes out an introduction, her eyes narrow just an instant in recognition.

“My name is Elizabeth.” Laurens feels himself groan, of course he would run into Hamilton’s fucking wife.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth is too good and pure for this world.

They both know each other, but neither of them had the courage to say anything, not like this. Taking a deep breath Laurens picks himself up off the ground before giving her a small nod. “Sorry to disturb.” Elizabeth catches his arm. Not roughly, but enough to turn him back around. 

“Wait John! Is... is he here?” She manages to ask, her eyes are wide and earnest. Laurens can’t bring himself to lie to her.

“He doesn’t remember anything.” He starts, yet somehow, Eliza looks relieved. “Are you going to find him now that you know?” He tries to keep the harsh tone from his voice, but he can’t seem to help it.

“Are you?” She raises an eyebrow at him. She doesn’t seem phased, it throws him through a loop.

“I mean- I... he is your husband Elizabeth.” He falters.

“In another life.” She reminds him. Laurens pauses for a minute speechless.

“You don’t want to be now?”

“I am unsure… besides where would that leave you?” She pauses slowly letting go of his arm. Laurens looked down at his hands.

“I’m not sure what you mean…” his voice is higher than normal. He’s panicking again.

“John.” She’s got an amused motherly _tsk_. “Alexander wrote me love letters too you know- I know what they look like. I saw his letters to you, I knew he loved you dearly.”

“Nothing like you though.”

“I’m not so sure.” She sounds so calm, it unnerves him. “I could offer him a title, money, and a family.” She points out. “Our relationship also wasn’t illegal.” She reminds him. “His love for you didn’t have any attachments to it. If the same rights you have now existed, I don’t think he would have looked my way.”

“He loved you Eliza.” Laurens can’t help but protest.

“I know.”

“I don’t even know why I’m here. If I knew I wouldn’t come back again. I would have already killed myself.” He tells her, running his hands over his face. He’s never said the words outloud. The weight of the statement always scared him, but it felt good to tell someone.

“And hurt Alexander again?” She prompts him, moving to stand next to him, Laurens can’t help but scoff.

“He’s the last of my concerns.” He shrugs his shoulders, they’re both not convinced. “Before in the past I failed everything. From my regimen, to my brothers death and my fathers love. Everything I have ever attempted has fallen apart. It keeps punishing me.” He doesn’t have a real reason as to why he is telling her all this. Maybe it’s because she could understand him. Maybe he just desperately wanted someone to understand. 

“If you’re being punished then what does that say about me?” Laurens doesn’t say anything. He hadn’t given much thought to that. “So perhaps the pity mentality is just that. Pity.” She’s blunt. It startles him. “I spent 30 years married to Hamilton, and then 50 years after fighting to tell his story. I never lived for myself...” she pauses, lost in some thought. “I think that’s why I’m here.” She explains herself. “That’s also why I’m not sure I want to see Alexander just yet. I want to live a life for myself and in this century. I want to have my own story and I am finally able too.” She reaches out to touch Laurens hand. He pauses for a second, staring down at her hand on his. It doesn’t set, his heart racing but it was comforting.

“I don’t think you’re being punished, I think you’ve lost a lot and that keeps you from looking at the blessing this could be.” She finally adds. Laurens can feel his eyes starting to sting. 

“Why are you being kind to me?” He can’t help but ask, Elizabeth just let’s out an amused laugh.

”Because we’re more alike than you realize.” She gives him a gentle pat on the shoulder. “And Alexander puts you through the wringer when you love him.” Laurens feels a laugh bubble out before he can stop it. They sit in silence for a moment before another fit of laughter seems to come out of both of them. It had to be a weird sight. Two very different people sitting next to the graves of their loved ones, crying and laughing. It feels... good?

“Do you still love him?” He asks, and Eliza just gives him a soft single nod. “Me too.” He adds. 

“It’s easy to fall in love with him, not so easy to stay in love.” She adds, her expression seems to falter a little, it hits him harder than he realizes. “After losing my son, and the Reynolds ordeal... I hope he’s learned his lesson.” She gives him one quick hard look before adding “For your sake, not his.”

“Even if that were true, Alexander found the journal I kept of all my memories, he hasn’t contacted me in a week. He thinks I’m insane, Eliza. He wanted me to commit myself.”

“Let him work through it.” She adds knowingly. “You just told him life altering news.” Laurens snickers in response. “And perhaps talking to someone could help. Things have changed, mental health is a field we didn’t have.” Laurens starts to feel that panic well up, He shakes his head quickly. No, no way. “You don’t have to talk about reincarnation, but maybe about those things you feel are failures.” She offers, trying to restate her words. He doesn’t respond, even as she lifts him up off the ground and puts an arm around his waist.

“We should get you home and cleaned up though, how far are we away?” She asks, standing up and smiling, Laurens doesn’t have the courage to tell you he’s across the city.

 —

 

They hail a cab and head towards NYU, Eliza helping him inside the car. The slow movement lulls him to sleep without Laurens realizing it. At least not until he can feel Eliza carefully pulling at the knots in his hair, gently crying to tame is hair. Her lap is warm, it reminds him of his mother.

The thought alone is enough to let him drift back into sleep.

Eliza helps walk him up to his room. His body sore from the toll he put it through last night was starting to come through as Eliza left him in the bathroom, ordering him to shower and clean up. Laurens takes his time in the bathroom, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess in his mind. After talking to Eliza he’s felt some relief. Yet could he really keep living like this?

“Do I look less hideous now?” He pauses- feeling more like himself. Eliza stands by his phone, charging it. His stomach lurches. It hasn’t been on in a week.

“I’ve put my number in here, in case you need someone to talk about the reincarnation thing.” She adds setting the phone back down. Laurens nods once moving to sit down on his bed. “Let’s clean up your face and get some ice for your eye.” 

Laurens let’s Eliza baby him, trying her best to remedy is split lip. Both of them stay silent as she moves to fish ice from his kitchen, pressing the ice against his face.

“John, what are you afraid of?” She asks him suddenly. “What fear keeps you from going to seek help?” Laurens feels his chest tighten. 

“What if I’m too broken.”  His words come out just above a whisper. “What if everything that’s happened makes me irreparable. How could I live with myself.” The words are out, hanging in the heavy air between him. 

“What if you’re not?” The question is so simple if stops his breathing. “How will you know? This time is was just a fight, what happens when you snap, you’re really prepared to die?” Laurens can’t answer, the panic consumes him, the thought hits him, followed by a wave of nausea. 

“I don’t want to die.” He chokes the words out, he can’t stop the feeling that comes with it, the terror, the fear for himself-of himself. Today was a low point, but it could get worse. They knew it. 

Eliza moves quickly to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Letting him hide his face while he sobs. He doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t. He just wants everything to stop. 

He wants to be happy. 

Eliza doesn’t stop holding him, even as he calms down. “I can tell why Alexander fell for you.” He finally speaks, both of them stay silent before breaking into smiles.

“Likewise.” She adds as, running her fingers through his hair, she pulls him back at and holds him at arms length, her expression serious. “Look at doctors John.” She reminds him sternly. “I’ve got to head out now.” She adds, hugging him once more. “If you need help finding one, I’ll help, I’ll even come with you if you’re scared.” She adds, Laurens nodds solemnly, walking her to the door.

 

Once he’s alone again Laurens moves to sit on the bed with his laptop. After his time with Eliza, he feels better. More sound. Laurens barely starts his search before someone is knocking desperately on his door, startling him. Standing up to open the door he pauses his eyes widening as Alexander stands there, the normal small amount of stubble has grown, his dark bags are heavy underneath his eyes as he searches Laurens face.

“What are you doing here-“ he starts but Alexander cuts him off 

“Laurens, what happened to your face?” He pauses pushing inside the apartment. Reaching his hands out Alexander gently touches his cheeks and inspecting his face.

“I got into a bar fight.” He says calmly.

“Why would you do something so reckless?” He can see Alexander gritting his teeth, Laurens sighs, he’s too tired to get into another fight.

“I am a reckless person, it’s how I deal with wanting to die.” He admits, Alexander looks taken back in fear.

“You are serious aren’t you? I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.”

Laurens can’t help but roll his eyes. “Why are you here?” He tries again. 

“What do you mean? you’re the one who asked to talk.” He responds defensively. Laurens pauses for a second? When did he- Laurens shakes his head in exhasperation, Eliza was sneaky. He was finding more and more that he truly appreciates her.

“Right.” He finally manages, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to talk about but with Alexander staring at him expectantly, he knows he needs to say something.

“I agreed to talk to a therapist about my past- not like the reincarnation part, but the unhappiness part.” He blurts the words out, Alexander looks surprised for a second, leaning over to kiss him. The pain in his mouth surprises him, the kiss hurt, but he didn’t stop it. “Watch the mouth.” He reminds him, pointing to his lip. 

“You deserve it for going and getting into a fight.” Laurens grimaces, he deserved that. Carefully this time Alexander kisses the corner of his mouth, a soft peck in apology. “I’m proud of you, John.” He breaths his name, and Laurens can feel his heart melt all over again. “I missed you. I just I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make sense of everything.” He explains quickly. Neither of them try to pull away, they just stare.

“You missed me but didn’t even bother calling me?” He pauses for a second, he feels his anger from their argument, push into his stomach. 

“You didn’t try to call me either.” He reminds him making Laurens blanch. He has a point.

“My phones been off” Laurens mumbles the excuse pulling away, moving to retrieve the ice pack for his face. 

“Yeah, apparently you’ve been running around getting into fights, while I’ve been at home trying to make sense of the information you threw into my lap.” Laurens eyes narrow, but he doesn’t respond. He has no excuse for trying to get beaten up on purpose. He needed to feel something, and he doesn’t think Alexander will understand that need.

“What’s your verdict then?”

“you’re not on trial remember?” Alexander points out using his words against him, as he fishes Laurens journal from the depths of his bag. It looks positively destroyed, pages torn out and folded awkwardly. 

“What have you done?” He looks absolutely horrified. 

“Well John, you didn’t have it in any particular order. It was hard to make sense of anything without a viable timeline. So I tried to organize it, which is a ridiculous task as I am now aware since half of these and incoherent half asleep whirlwinds of nonsense and emotions.” He’s gone into writers mode, setting the book on the bed and crawling over to sit next to Laurens as he unfolds all of the papers. He’s truly wrecked his journal. 

“I don’t know what I expected.” He deadpans. “Not everyone can write like their life depends on it Alexander.” He reminds him. Sure he wasn’t the best writer, but he didn’t think his skills were horrible. 

“If I wasn’t aware before, I am now.” He retorts dryly as he tries to place the memories in the order, Laurens knows immediately which ones he’s put incorrectly. Silently he arranges the first few. “I am trying to be more open.” Alexander starts. “After reading through your journal I realized there was so much detail, it’s not something you can make up. I also realized…” he trails off, rummaging through some of the papers and producing a sloppily written memory. “I remember this.” He points at the paper. Skimming over it Laurens recognizes it instantly.

His duel with Charles Lee, more specifically Hamilton’s reaction afterwards. Hamilton had agreed to be his second, but that didn’t quell any fear that Laurens could have died. The first time Laurens had ever seen Hamilton work himself up to tears. “I dreamt this, not exactly how you felt or wrote, but how I felt.” He adds.

“From that I realized, I may have had a dream or two that I didn’t know were memories until I read these.” He adds, Laurens feels his chest tighten as Alexander takes his hands. “I’m not sure how much I understand, but I now realize you’ve been dealing with everything all alone.” He added.

”I didn’t expect this.” He admits. Moving to pick apart his messy timeline and fix it. He needed to keep his hands busy. 

“More importantly.” Laurens looks up at him, there is bad news coming. He can feel it. “I’ve decided to take Burrs offer to assist him with the Tilghman trial down in Philadelphia. It will likely go on for a few months. But that gives me the time to try and figure out what I’m missing. It gives me a chance to catch up to you.” He adds. Laurens feels his heart sink into stomach. “I love you, and if what you wrote is true… I don’t, I don’t want to lose you again.” He finishes, looking nervous. 

Laurens can’t help but grab his cheeks pulling him into a kiss. “I love you too, Alexander.” He touches his forehead to Alexander’s.

“Now, lay down. I know you haven’t eaten and your face is bruised pretty badly. You need sleep.” Alexander pushes him back, instead Laurens just grabs him and pulls him down with him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Can I finally tell you everything?” He asks, Alexander pauses and for a moment the silence is deafening. 

“Tell me what troubling you.” So he does.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left.  
> It’s bittersweet to finish this cause I really love Lams.

Laurens enjoys drawing. Lately he tries to sketch something other than Alexander. Sometimes cows and sometimes turtles. He’s consumed in working, so much that he doesn’t even notice Eliza sliding into the seat across from him.

“I can’t tell if your focus is a good or bad sign about your recent sessions.” Her voice cuts through his focus making his hands stop.

“It went really well.” He tells her, setting the pencil down, looking up at her. He’s not a fan of traveling upstate to spend time with Eliza, but times like this remind him that it’s worth it. “I don’t like going weekly, but it’s nice to hear someone tell me…” he pauses he doesn’t quite know how to describe the feeling. His father was manipulative and brash. “That my father was a dick.” He finally states, his tone bland.

For now the therapist seems to focus on his past. The loss of his brother and the blame both he and his father placed on him. The death of his mother. The weight those deaths seem to press on his conscious.

“I’m so glad to hear that.” She responds softly, they exchange widening smiles. “Spring break should be soon, what are your plans?” She asks him, Laurens just shrugs.

“To work. Alexander is still in Philadelphia, and therapy is taxing- emotionally to say the least.” He explains, he sees Eliza’s expression shift enough to make him regret mentioning Alexander. “You should talk to him.” He adds. 

“No.” Her response is firm. “I don’t want that. There’s still so much I want to do for myself first.” She adds briskly. Laurens just nods and offers to take her hand.

“You deserve to do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, Eliza.” 

“You go to one therapy session and suddenly you’re the one offering advice.” She snickers, grabbing Laurens hand. “Plus I’ve got a lot on my plate with my internship for Unite Here Local 23.” She adds, her lips twisting into a sly smile. “With any luck I’ll be asked to become an admin assistant. It’s a start.” Laurens grins excitedly, happy for her.

“I’m so glad to hear that! You’re making a difference, like you a wanted.” He assures her, yet he can see it in her eyes, there is more she isn’t telling him.

“I also took the liberty of apply for the HCAP internship for you.” 

“Come again?” He blinks. Over the two months Alexander had disappeared into the depths of Philadelphia, he couldn’t help but grow close to Eliza, he told her about his wife and daughter, in return she told him about Philip.

“For planned parenthood. Expect a call, my dear Laurens.” She chuckles at him. Laurens feels his blood run cold.

“Why would you do that?”

“You want to make up for your daughter and wife? There a good place to start. Advocating and assisting in the fight for women’s rights and choice. On top of that they’re closely tied to the LGBT community. It’s a good place to put your foot in the door.” She chides him. Just as a mother would.

“You’re exploiting my past.” He accuses her playfully.

“What happened was unfair to Martha, but it was also unfair to you. It was a product of our time and place and we should strive never to let it fall to that kind of morality ever again.” She preaches to him, pausing for second. “I think it could be very healing for you.”

“Are you a therapist now too?”

“No, I’m a friend.” They’re both quiet for a moment. He wants to heal, to move on. 

“Okay, I’ll do it.” He adds. Something about it feels lighter, happier. Even if it’s been two months since he has seen Alexander; and he’s unsure of what he would even say if they saw each other. What would he do?

Hamilton was still struggling to believe in his reincarnation, he couldn’t rush it. Yet he also knew the case should be ending soon. Another defeat, another racist white cop who avoids prison and murder charges. The obstacle they face now, is one of distance. What if Alexander chooses to stay in Philadelphia, growing his law career? He could transfer schools, leave Laurens in New York.

At least he’d have Eliza.

Folding the sketch pad he can’t seem to focus anymore on art. His internship with Planned Parenthood could possibly interfere with his job and with school. How could he manage all this? This world is unlike the one from so long ago. There was no war to fight. Each step they took towards improvement came from the work they did in the community.

He had to take this chance.

He couldn’t imagine what New York would be like without Alexander. Yet even without him,somehow life has moved forward. The sun still rises every morning with or without him. Laurens knows he will too. His path to redemption through therapy and work is important to him now. Eliza is important to him now.

Walking home, he tries to keep his calm. He does miss Alexander, more than anything. But for the first time he’s focusing on himself.

Unlocking the door to his apartment Laurens drops his bag and flops on the couch unhappily. He spent two months trying hard, what if it’s going to be this hard for the rest of his life?

 

—

Laurens isn’t sure how to handle the interview process, so when they ask why he wants to be involved he decides to tell them his story. His fear of his sexuality, His forced responsibility of a wife and kid, the misery they both faced until it was over. Neither him and Martha had a choice in their fate- how could he want someone to deal with the same choices.

He gets the internship easily.

 

— 

The park is his sanctuary. Occasionally he draws the scenery, but often his draws Alexander. Laurens doesn’t even bother trying to hide the fact he can sketch Alexander’s face from memory. His pencil scratches along the page as he draws the rounded jaw, the thin nose and almond shaped eyes. He can’t bring himself to draw his past. Therapy constantly reminds him that the chapter before is closed. He’s allowed to move on with his life.

“Are you drawing your boyfriend.” Laurens isn’t sure how to react when he feels the slap of Dejavu. Looking up Alexander stares down at him, his hair has gotten longer in the past three months. Loosely tied at the nape of his neck. He fights the urge to run his hands through it. Instead he just presses his lips into a thin line to avoid a smile.

“Someone very dear to me.” He agrees as her invites himself to sit next to him, at least Laurens doesn’t drop his pencil this time like an idiot. “I don’t think he’d appreciate you hitting on me.” He adds warily. Both of them grin at each other the tension breaking as Alexander reaches over and plucks the pencil out of Laurens fingers, pressing a small kiss on his lips in greeting.

“I missed you.” He adds sitting back down next to him.

“How long are you back for?” Laurens asks, lacing their fingers together.

“The case is over, it was a failure but not the end. I want to keep fighting. Burr offered me the position as an aide until I graduate.” He tells him as Laurens forces a smile. “I think he’s so adamant on helping me cause of guilt.” He adds oddhandedly.

“I’m happy for you.” Laurens manages as he stares down at their hands, he needs to keep himself together.

“However I still need to finish school and I want to do it here. So we came to a compromise. I’ll spend the summers between semesters as an aide in Philadelphia until I graduate. Then I’ll join their firm.” He explains, Laurens releases a breath happily. He could deal with that. For now at least.

“Let’s go get coffee, you can tell me what’s been going on in your life.” He stand up pulling Laurens with him.

“I’m working as an HCAP intern for planned parenthood. It’s supposed to help ease my conscious about Martha and Frances.” He explains as they walk hand in hand. “Therapy weekly to talk about my reckless behavior and why I’m so deeply unhappy.” He tries to mention everything casually. “I blame myself for a lot of things that were uncontrollable apparently.” He finishes, as Alexander tightens his grip on his hands.

“I’ve been trying to figure out what happened, but there are still a lot of holes in the story. I figured out one thing, even married- I never stopped loving you. Your death closed off a large part of my heart. The things that mattered then, they don’t matter now. You know that right?” He adds. Laurens feels his stomach shrink.

“You’re allowed to have more than one love in your life, Eliza was a love for you too.”

“I loved you born equally. I don’t think I could have a greater love for one over the other, but I also made a lot of mistakes.” He adds.

“And we can work through it together.” Laurens promises.

“When were you gonna tell me, you’ve become best friends with my past wife?” He adds offhandedly, Laurens can’t help but snicker.

“When she wants me too.”

“Does she remember?”

“Yes.”

“Does she know I’m sorry?”

“Yes.” He adds unhesitatingly. “Eliza has never had a life truly dedicated to her own wants her own needs. She wants to use this life to find her own story. When she’s ready to see you without it breaking her heart or compromising her goals- she will.” He finishes. Alexander nods once, his expression thoughtful.

“It’s an odd feeling. It’s not like I am some spirit inhabiting the body of another. I feel like with each memory I recover I just feel more… whole.” He finishes. “Do you think the others are around somewhere? Washington? Lafayette? Angelica?”

“I think it depends on if they felt they needed more time. If they had heavy weights on their conscious.” He adds.

“Well, let’s try not to fuck up this time around.” He adds both of them snickering in response. Laurens nods, squeezing Alexander’s fingers happily.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the final chapter! Mostly like an epilogue of sorts.

“I swear John if you bring home one more dog, I’m moving to Philadelphia without you.” Alexander warns him, yelling into the receiver, the move was going to cost them money, and the easiest way to save up was Alexander moving in with Laurens. The subway would be a little out of the way for him, but it was more than worth it to get him out of Columbia’s dorms. 

“I’m not bringing home another dog.” He promises, balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear he adjusted his grip on the cardboard box in his hands bouncing unhappily. It was as if the mention alone riled the animal up. “Shh, shh, we’re almost home.” He promises in a soothing voice, warning a small whine mewed in response.

“John Laurens.” Alexanders tone is firm.

“I’m just following my therapists orders.” He feigns innocent.

“One pet, one. This is now three.” Alexander whines. “The landlord is already prepared to kick you out for bringing home a dog not on your lease. What’s he gonna do if he finds out we have two more?” He sounds tired, Laurens can’t help but shrug.

“Were moving in like a few months anyways.” He reminds him. “Plus I thought Washington and Hercules could use a friend.” He tries again.

“There’s not enough room in the bed for another animal.”

“So you’ll sleep on the couch.” He shrugs nonchalantly, Alexander heaving a loud sigh in response. “Besides I’m almost home.” He chuckles, their conversation going quiet for a moment as Laurens pokes at the holes on the top of the box, a tiny paw papping his finger.

stepping inside, Laurens practically kicks the door shut too harshly in excitement. Alexander’s head snapping up from his papers to see him carrying the box. Two dogs heads peeking up at the noise of the door before practically sprinting at him. 

“Everyone, welcome Lafayette.” Laurens grins as he puts the box down on the floor. Both animals sniffing at the box eagerly- Washington; a miniature schnauzer sniffed before letting out an annoyed boof and trotting away. Laurens pulled the lid off letting the small kitten pull itself on to the edge and peek out. 

“You named him Lafayette…”

“Oui.” Alexander smacks him in retort, the boxer woofing at the hit protectively. “He’s cute, Alexander.” Laurens responds, watching as Hercules pushes his nose into the box, earning a swat from a tiny paw to the face. “And he’s fiesty, like our fighting Frenchman was.” The boxer shaking his head and stepping away.

“You’re naming them after our friends so I won’t make you take them back.” He accuses him as Laurens stays quiet, he can’t deny it. Instead he picks up the white and gray kitten, who lets out a loud meow in protest to being picked up. Holding him against he cheek he turns to give Alexander an innocent smile. Big blue eyes and hazel green eyes staring at him intently.

“You can’t say he isn’t cute.” As Alexander snorts in response. Holding the kitten against his chest, he pets his head softly before shoving him into Alexander’s hands. “Bond.” He demands, letting Alexander hold the kitten. Finally moving to set his bag down so he can feed their other animals, he pushes past the boxes packed against the wall for moving.

“Is another animal really what we need before moving?” Alexander asks him, but Laurens doesn’t have to turn around to know he’s already falling in love with the kitten.

“We can handle it.” He assures him, watching both pups tackle the food bowls. “He had a respiratory infection and no one wanted to take him. So I did.” He explained. Turning around to step over to Alexander and wrap his arms around his waist, hugging him with the kitten squished in between. He could feel him purring against his chest. 

“And who’s going to watch him when you have to go up to New York every other week?” He reminds him.

“It’s not like I’m leaving every other day. Just to attend HCAP meetings and help organize the events they need me for.” He reminds him. “If we were to get a house just outside the city, we could have more room.” He points out a sneaky grin forming.

“That’s just the southerner in you.” He retorts. Leaning over Laurens kisses his cheek.

“You love this southerner.” Laurens rolls his eyes plucking Lafayette from a Alexander’s hands earning a whine of protest from both Alexander and the kitten.

 

 

—

“Eliza!” Laurens practically picks up and spins the woman at his door happily. A year and a half into Philadelphia and he can’t fathom how much he missed her. Alexander stands behind him. Wringing his hands nervously as her brown eyes turn on him. Stepping back Laurens turns to let her in. 

All three animals are at her feet, sniffing her with attentive eagerness. Her smile turns into a wide grin as she leans down to accept the full force of love from both dogs. Even if she will only be here for the weekend, Laurens knows this is a big step for all of them. “Come on.” He begins trying to usher the dogs away.

Looking across the room he can still see Alexander shuffling uncomfortably. Leaning down to pick up his bag he gives Eliza a hard stare before reaching to pick up her bag. “Go easy on him, he’s squirming.” He adds under his breath earning an eye roll from her.

“It’s finally good to see you Alexander.” She adds a small smile forming.

“I’ll set up your room.” He adds, excusing himself from the situation. Laurens walks back to Alexander to kiss his cheek. “Stop overthinking.” He warns him, passing by him to take her bags to the office they’ve converted into a spare room.

He can hear them talking, but Laurens knows full well this is something he needs to step away from. He loves Alexander and knows that this closure is something long overdue. Instead he sets her bag down and paces just a little.

“Congratulations on the engagement.” He can hear Eliza’s soft voice. “It only took 250 years.”

“Thanks.” He adds lamely. “It’s good to see you Betsy, I’m sure there’s so much-“ he starts but Eliza interrupts him. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” She cuts him off. “This is a new life, it’s a new opportunity. I just want to live my life how I wanted to for once.”

“I loved you too, it was never just a cover for Laurens.” Of course Alexander doesn’t know when to shut up, he’s never been good at hiding his feelings. “I loved both of you.” Laurens can’t help but lean against the door.

“I know. I never doubted that, but what’s done is done. We can’t undo our past mistakes. We just move on.” She reminds him, Laurens isn’t sure if she is referring to Philip, The affair, or any of the exhausting things Alexander once put her through, but he’s happy for her.

“I would like it if you’re in our lives.” He adds.

“I love John, he’s a great catch and as long as he’s around, I’ll be around too.”

“He is.” Laurens can’t stop himself from smiling at Alexander’s words.

“Then don’t pull another Reynolds Pamphlet debacle.” She sounds so stern, it makes him chuckle, even in another room he can visually see Alexander shrinking back.

Eliza is formidable, given the room to grow and flourish on her own. “Laurens and you both would kill me, and probably be able to successfully hide the body.” He adds, Laurens can hear them laughing. The tension breaking.

“I’m glad you’re finally here.” Alexander mentions, Laurens can’t help but smile. Touching his hand to his chin, the reflection of the band on his left finger prods at his peripheral vision.

They’re all so glad to finally be here.


End file.
